FBGM

All the girls I talk to complain about their ex's or their current or the guy they fancy yadda yadda yadda. My thoughts are dominated by my ex, which sucks. I don't want to talk about boys. Yeah I want a guy but they will always be there. Ultimately can we all just 'Fuck Bitches, Get Money'? Thats the advice I'm dashing out from now on. New motto, Fuck Bitches, Get Money

I am so FULL!

Dinner tonight was salmon n chips. I had a massive craving for honey glazed salmon, but my eeevil flat mate decided she wanted some philadelphia cheese concoction with her salmon. So we made both and had half each with a side of chips.

'Oi' I hear you cry 'What about Operation G6!?' Well, I will have you know salmon is very healthy. It was extremely yummy and scrummy and if I weren't such a laaaady, I might lick my plate!! Don't ask me why the flat mate decided to smother hers in cheese okay?? Thanks. Lol. Now the skinny bitch (in the most loving way possible, she is one of my best mates) is making cupcakes. Its 10:30 and this girl decides to bake cupcakes. She is a size SIX. There isn't any justice in the world.

I will not be partaking in this gluttonism at so late an hour. Okay... maybe I will have a teeny weeny taste. (I'm trying to grow a 'BADONKADONK' anyway. Will let you know how that comes along ;) I shall upload a picture of these late night cupcakes tout suite!

There we go, flat mate says they are a bit flat but to me they taste like sex... I mean heaven :)

x x x x

Stone. Cold. BITCH!

Everyone has a bit of an inner bitch. Even me! Lol, ESPECIALLY me. These days, my inner...hmmm shall we say THORN seem to get her sharp claws out VERY often. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I'm nasty or a bad person. Au contraire mon amie, I am a ray of fucking sunshine, always have a huge smile for everyone, give a helping hand when it doesn't inconvenience me too much, crack a joke if you look upset Et cetera Et cetera Et cetera. However, I am FEMALE. Even a self confessed hermit like me is essentially a pack animal.

Honestly, women hunt their prey in packs, whether it be men or other women. Whenever my girlfriends and I bitch about someone, I always have this mental image of a pack of wolves, scratch that, a pride of lions attacking a defenceless antelope, in a vicious onslaught which continuously rips bloody chunk after bloody chunk of quivering heaving flesh until we see bone.

Graphic right? Its not very nice so why does it feel so right? The fucked up thing is that we have all been that defenceless antelope. So why do we all go back and join the pack?? Instinct?? Sigh. We need to stop. EYE* need to stop! God Himself has been subliminalling me!!!!

I swear, every time I scroll through my Bible app on my phone, I'm looking for verses on how I will be victorious, get blessings, chill in the secret place of the Most High, all that goooood stuff. Instead all I see is

Psalm 1 verse 1

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night...

FML

1st Peter 2 verse 1

So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk...

Okay but God, I'm just telling it like it is You get me??

Proverbs 18 verse 7

A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

WOW!!! My soul will not be snared IN JESUS NAME. I will stop bitching. Never ever EVER will I say a mean word about anyone. No matter what foolishness they are wearing, or how much they smell, or even if they sniff crack or they left their vibrator in somebody's house (true stories)

However... its not easy. You get that late night whatsapp from your partner in crime and collapse into a fit of giggles. It always starts off innocently you know??

Roses God is thy strength.

Bitching is SO unnattractive, and I want to be a traffic stopper... AND go to heaven (obviously lol) so that trait gotta go!!!

x x x x

Operation G6 BABY

Sooo its the 26th of March. Summer is almost here! I have TWO essays due in on the 14th of April. These weigh heavily on my mind. I musn't have too much fun, until I get at least halfway on both of these...right? Yeah. What I want to do isn't supposed to be 'fun' however. NO! Its supposed to be a strict two month regime military type operation. Operation G6.

sings *Fly like a G6, like a G6*

lol. Its Operation Get Sexy For Summer 2011. Kanye's Workout Plan is my sooooong!

To be totally honest, I do this every year simply because getting healthy is GOOD for you, and the end result is sexy, and it boosts ones confidence like crazy! Also, (I'v probably already mentioned this so I'mma have to do a post about it soon to just get it out of the way) I'm newly, freshly, rawly (<-- is that a word!? shrug) single soooo I need all the confidence boosters I can get! I don't want to get into a relationship, pah, I need to heal first (yawn I know) . I want to feel GOOD. I want to be Fly Like A G6. You get me?? I want to turn heads. I want to stop traffic. (Its possible) I want to be on top of the world. I want my ex to want me back, just so I can have the satisfaction of saying 'Fuck off you knob end' (lol, allow it I'm only human). I want to be like a G6. Crunches, facemasks, mani-pedis and the like will have to wait however. I have two essays to do

x x x x

OMG WHY DID I STOP BLOGGING!?!?!?!?!

Wow, its been a while. A MASSIVE long while. I bet you're wondering where I'v been. Why did I stop blogging? I'm wondering the same thing myself! Blogging was sooo fun! Theraputic and cathartic. Reading my old posts makes me remember, I was so fun and lively and young and innocent and naive... I like to think I've grown up a lot... Its 2011!!!! Can you believe it?? I haven't visited Blogville since 2009! Smack on the wrist for me! Now EVERYONE is jumping on the blogging bandwagon and I was about to do the same but...AHEM. *clicks fingers in a Z formation* I'v BEEN here. :P I'm going to attempt to blog as often as possible. I'v probably said this before and proved to be an erratic blogger at best (months between posts and whatnot) but I'm going to be good now, I promise.

ALOT has happened between now and then, I cant wait to tell all. I miss writing. My expose shall come in another blog however. Waaaait for it! *lol* Love you all, especially the people who still follow me considering I didn't blog THROUGHOUT 2010

x x x x

There is More to Life than Men

Or is there? I have been trying to figure out why my friends and I spend half our time complaining about the foolishness of the male species and the other half looking for one to call our own. Men (or boys as the case may be) are fascinating useful creatures. They boost ones ego, they look and smell good, they are handy dandy leg and head rests... the list goes on! But why are they so low on the ground? The age old question "Where have all the good men gone" has never been answered. Why does it seem like they are all TAKEN!? Even the ones who are just AVERAGE have been snapped up.

This is a personal wound, there is this average Joe who goes to my uni...but there is something about him I really liked. His smile was kind of... intoxicating. None of my friends could understand why I was powerfully attracted to him so I was pleased that there would be no competition. *GET IN THERE ROSES* Until his GIRLFRIEND came a-visiting all the way from HER uni. To my utter dismay, not only was average Joe in a relationship, his significant other was a stunning mix raced long legged doe eyed creature...who made me feel small and unpretty in comparison. Obviously I cut my losses and stopped looking at him in that light...however to add insult to injury my 'friends' would go 'Oooh, there goes your husband' every time Joe went by. FML!

Enough about him. I started speaking to this other guy...Afro. Now Afro is smokin'hot, BUT slightly odd. Not only is he obsessed with video games and manga and samurai swords street fighter type shit...'what the hell!?' I hear you cry. I KNOWWW, he is like a little lost boy in a grown mans body...what a WASTE! He is also still in love with his ex! I speak to this man almost every night. We get on (in spite of the fact that he is hyper sensitive and has an epileptic fit every time I call him ode). The problem is...Betty must come up in every conversation at least twice. I wish he would man up and move the fuck on. But I'm NICE so I listen and console, and comfort. *sigh* No good deed goes unpunished however, as when we kissed (yes!) it was the sweetest kiss ever... all slow and sexy and tortuous but...

WAS HE THINKING ABOUT BETTY???

Argh!

What was my original point?

Ah yes. There are no good normal men left. And Valentines day is coming up. If I'm having this problem before I'm twenty, what the fuck is going to happen come marriage time???

I'm going to invest in wool, some knitting needles and loads of cats. Say hello to the newest youngest Cat Lady alive. Yeah buddy

x x x x

My Thoughts During Freshers Week (In the present tense. Just because I can)

 I have been looking forward to Freshers since I was in Lower 6th (Year 12). I have been regaled with tales of endless partying and debauchery by friends and family, and the plan is to party all night, sleep all day, and pretty much do whatever the fuck I want. My boyfriend is all the way in Exeter 500 miles away...but I will behave myself. I'm trustworthy and loyal and all that good stuff. Although there is no harm in looking...is there? I'm assuming there are going to be LOADS of HOT men (note MEN, not boys) ripe for the plucking...and when the time comes I will just take my pick.

I have met some Nigerian girls. My mother is so pleased... apparently I need to get in touch with my roots. I'm very in touch thank you very much. We all hang out.  They intimidate me slightly. I work hard to tone down my pesky upper crust yet Essex type accent. I want to stand out and blend in at the same time. I try hard, swallow my shyness do all the craziest dance moves. On the dance floor all my fears disappear. Bliss.

Okay, Freshers is not for the fainthearted. My liver is on the verge of giving up and the quality of my skin has plummeted. We are NOT going to talk about my waistline. I know that ice cream is not a suitable alternative for a healthy meal but its so convenient. I resolve to join the gym...tomorrow.

What happened last night?? Okay the vodka was flowing rather freely but that was no excuse to play tonsil tennis with that Cute Guy from London. My head keeps spinning. Will have to let him know that I have a guy. I'm such a bad person. We are going to the cinema tomorrow. With another guy and girl. As friends. He tells me I need to 'sort my boyfriend out'

Say what?? Does he think there is going to be more between us? I barely know him! I thought females were supposed to be the clingy presumptuous ones. No offence Cute Guy from London. No way I'm telling Sweetness. It would crush him. We have started exchanging 'I love you s'. Besides, it was a never-again-to-be-repeated accident.

Final Destination 3D was horrible! I thought it was about cars! (yes I have never before seen Final Destination. Sue me) The blood and gore made me feel very ill. But the fact that Cute Guy from London still has the wrong idea is making me even queasier. How do I tell him our kiss was a one off without hurting his feelings? Damn that vodka.

Freshers week went by so fast! Legal work time. Yes!

Not So Cute Anymore from London is beginning to piss me off. Its way too early for this!

x x x x

Newblackroses Resurrected

I AM...ALIVE

Yes, I'm not dead or otherwise incapable of writing. I haven't blogged in EONS. I finished my exams, went around the world, got my A-level results which made me cry as BBC isn't really something to shout about but I still got into Uni...Law is like so totally the way forward. lol. I actually forgot my password and login details...life has been hectic. I just realised how much I have missed Blogville and the Blogville crew. And yes I'm back to stay. The Life and Times of Newblackroses at University! I like to think I have grown, at least a little (one semester at Uni is not something to laugh about). Welcome back me. Love you all. x x x x

Inconsistent!

I have been a very very bad blogger. I blame exams! i finish on the 19th and this mini post is a little reward for having revised so hard *yay me*.
Ok let me give u the lowdown of my life since the last time I blogged
1) Iv had four exams...death
2) One of my best mates turned 18...she got drunk and had sex IN FRONT OF ME in a limo (so its not like i could escape) fortunately I wasn't the only one there. My first experience of live sex. It was not sexy, and she will never hear the end of it as long as I live.
3) Ok this should have been minus 1) cuz 3 weeks ago i broke up with my boyfriend, the austrian one
4) Did I mention im NEVER single? I have a new boyfriend...six ft of pure sweetness, brown hair blue eyes personality and body 2 die for (its not too sudden, iv known him 4 like 2 years)
5) I lost 3 pounds! My mum says and I quote ' you are scaring me, dont u dare become anorexic because all ur curves will go and u wont look nice' ...cheers for the support mum.
6) Two of my girlies and I are taking poledancing lessons...woop woop
8) Im going to be 19 in two months....I feel like an oldie
9) I need to go shopping, partying, and I need to blog properly!
10) Im going to read the vagina monologues...Sweetness doesn't want me to because he thinks feminists are weird, but I think its educational.
pardon my spelling and grammar I just re read this and cringed but im in a rushhhhh
ta ta for now!
x x x x x

An Unfortunate Event

Well, half term just finished and I went to Lagos for the week. (It was my last half term EVER before I go off to university sob sob!) It was good fun, I got to see my friends and family and eat some home cooked food mmmhmm. lol. Oh, and I cooked okro soup! For the first time! It might not be a big achievement to all but I get easily excited.lol.

I bet you're thinking, 'so what is this unfortunate event? Naij is a good thing right?' Yessss Nigeria is a good thing but...

Okay, let me start from the beginning. I woke up and it was a day like any other day. I should shower, eat and do revision but I'm a serial procrastinator and just lay there with my eyes half closed. ZING ZING...my phone. A text from one of my best friends Dolapo. 'Get up and get ready, I will be at urs in an hour, we are going to Thursday showers.Pls pls pls don't be late'

Riiiiite.

I love Dolz, and I always will do but lately she has been getting all overly christian. I love God as much as the next person who has been brought up in a christian household, but I hate it when people shove religion down my throat! When did I tell Dolly that I wanted to follow her to church? She used to be my partner in crime. Now she has joined discipleship school. Discipleship school I tell you!!

I sigh, get up, shower, and get ready. I don't want to argue with Dolapo, she is the MASTER of guilt tripping. Besides, I don't have any other plans, and it will be good to get some fresh air. Also, Church is good rite?

Dolly gets in just as I finish. 'Oh em Roses, theresnocarsowehavetotakeabus,isthatok?awsomeletsgo'

I'm like 'yer what?' what is she saying? Dolly only talks so fast when she is nervous or excited and she may be all holy holy but I cant see whats so exciting about Thursday showers. 'Repete sil vous plait. S L O W L Y'

Dolly takes a deep breath ' There's no car so we have to take a bus, but don't worry its fine, I take one in unilag everyday and I want you to see what its like.'

Silence
Dolly is looking at me nervously...I'm chewing on my bottom lip, thinking.

Iv never been on a bus in Nigeria before. This would be an experience...one I know my mother wants me to have. Dad wont be too pleased though. Dolly's an expert...how exciting! I'm scared though...but I'm no chicken, I can do it!

'Woop woop, I'm in!'

According to Dolly, my mum has been asking her to take me on a BRT...
We walk to the bu stop...ooooooh shit, we arent taking a BRT. Dolly squeezes my hand reassuringly. 'You go in first' she says.

'What if someone touches me?'

'Go to the back'

'Dress dress!' somebody says. Well, I know what that means. I smile to myself as i shuffle so Dolly can sit closer to me. I squeal in her ear 'I'm in a Danfo!' She smiles 'Its not so bad is it?'
'Maybe it isn't'
I look around. There is a very smelly person in front of me. I wave my hand in front of my nose whilst informing Dolapo that I'm going to get her one of those hand held fans. She nods patronisingly. There is a dangerous looking blue wire hanging down from the roof of the bus, stopping perilously close to my cheek. I gulp and open a window. Before I know it, we're there!

Dolapo steps down first and walks to the gate. She turns around and looks at me. I'm just at the door of the bus. The next 20 seconds is a blur.
'Roses, Roses!!!!!' Dolly screams.

In my panic, I think she is telling me to hurry out of the bus, that its going to leave with me still in it. Where the fuck would I be then?! I rush down and then...

Boom, an okada hits me, in the right thigh.

The okada driver is short, very dark, sweaty and balding. He scowls at me, like its my fault. My head is reeling, from the shock. Dolapo rushes to my side and clutches me. The gateman/mayguard type person says are you ok?
The okada mans passenger says 'Sorry oh' as the driver zooms off into the wind.

By now, my brain is working again. Dollz and I walk in through the gate.
'Are you ok?'

I moan.
I'm actually fine, it was a mere bump. I have sustained worse injuries fighting with my sister. But now, I have leverage to guilt trip Dolly forever. Muahahaha.

I cant believe I got hit by an OKADA!!!
x x x x x x